Hick Nation: Part One

Chances are, we've all got a little hick in us somewhere and some how we are all memebers of the Hick Nation. Regardless of color or creed or the nations that claims you as a citizen, you are also the a card carrying member of Hick Nation. If we humans can trace evolutionary lines back to chimps, then we most definitely can trace our family trees back to hick roots.

I like to think that cavemen were the first hicks. They were first at everything, so why not be the first hicks, right? Let's do an hick evaluation of cavemen. Okay, let's see here: they drew pictures of animals and killing animals on cave walls. Hicks hang heads of dead deer and prized dead fish on their wall. Cavemen left the carcasses of dead animals outside their caves and used the bones to fashion their simple tools. Hmm... Proud, contemporary hicks have at least one broken down vehicle in the drive from which they harvest parts or of which they swear they will one day make run. Cavemen yelled at other, opposing cavemen of different tribes and clans. Contemporary hicks yell at their neighbors in defense of the broken down vehicle in the drive and defend themselves as not being too white trash. Some hicks live in trailer parks. Some cave men live in clusters of tents while migrating to hunt the mighty mastadon. Hick like killing big game for the pure pleasure of exercising human might. Cavemen killed big game so they had something to nibble on in the cave and established the possiblity of human beings exercising might over the natural world.

Okay. Let's move ahead in time. The Romans. Man, now those people were some real fuckin' hicks.

Scientific evaluation of the Roman Empire to test for Hick Possiblities:

Roman orgies conducted by aritocrats and emperors. You ever been to a Kid Rock concert? Ever been to a weekend, country music festival?

Roman elite eating massive amount of food only to purge themselves so they could eat more (I think Octavius was renowned for doing this, though I have to check that). Ever been seen a hot dog or pie eating contest? That's definitely hick, a hick activity that most definitely includes our Chinese and Asian hick friends because I swear to all that is holy that some little asian person ALWAYS WINS the hot dog eating contest.

The most hick Roman activity: The Colosseum. Holy fuck, you don't get much more hick than that. Let's evaluate. Now, the whole reason for the Colosseum and all the games and killing of animals and gladiators actually had a point to it that makes a brutal, wicked sort of sense when you consider the Roman perspective. In those times, death was all around from wars to infant mortality rates. The Roman Empire wanted to exercise might over all people and the whole world, including the animal kingdom. So, Roman emperors decided that if they were to excerise this might then they would show it off in the colosseum and it became a form of entertainment. At first, the Romans just killed animals, but as the empire began to crumble due to Barbarian attacks from the north and exotic animlas from Africa running out with the added expense of getting them to Rome, which was becoming too expensive, the emperors found a new host of critters for the Colosseum. They were called early Christians. The perspective of early Christians and their beliefs threatened to totalitarian rule of Emperors because these people didn't believe that the Emperor was their god. So the emperors said, Fuck you, get in the goddamn Colosseum becaus I'm in charge. Good luck, fucker. The went on and on and the Colosseum still stands today with dorky tourists snapping pictures of it.

How does all of this make the Romans remotely hick? How is any of this hick? It's all about as hick as a gun rack in pickup truck.

Let me get this straight. There's this really big arena where we get a bunch of animals together then chase them and end up killing them. You ever seen a rodeo? When the animals run out we have people fight for our amusement. Hicks an undying passion for WWF wrestling. When the animals are become too expensive just to kill we show them off and what they can do and how they are beautiful. Holy shit, that's was we call a damn State Fair. And let's eat a bunch of shit while showing off the animals. That's the hot dog eating competition at the State Fair. Watch out for the little asain dude, he gonna win, he always wins, his stomach is specailly designed, he's a creature of a higher calling and truly unstoppable.

The hick associations don't stop there. Just about every culture has some hick to it. Don't make me get Egyptian about this. The Egyptians build big ass tombs for themselves. You ever seen a hick get upset about his dog dying. Holy shit he will weep and weep and then build some really gaudy tribute to his ol' bird dog named Butter. That's all that needs to be said on that one.